Title: A Stranger Destiny Part 4: No Place Like Home Author: Taylor Jameson Fandom: Askewniverse Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob Rating: PG-13 Summary: Jay and Silent Bob go home. Archive: With the others Email: taylorjameson@yahoo.com Series/Sequel: Part 4 of the "A Stranger Destiny" series Web Page: http://www.angelfire.com/az2/taylorjameson Disclaimer: KS owns them, not me. Don't sue...you won't get much. Warnings: If you've read up to here, you know what you're in for. Notes: Poor Jay is now a little over 3 months pregnant. Writer's Comments: I think I've abused Jay enough, what do you think? So, no harming Jay in this chapter...k? Well, the end is in sight. As far as I can tell, I'm going to do one more interlude, then the final chapter. Dedication: This one is for Jason Mewes...may he never find out that I impregnated his character in a fic. Date: 9/11/2000 After an almost uneventful tour of Hawaii and another visit to see the showgirls in Vegas (Bob got his chance to dance on stage, much to his delight) things were starting to look almost decent. Jay however, was a walking mood swing. It wasn't so bad during the day, but at night it got terrible. He'd run to the bathroom to throw up, then cry himself back to sleep. Being the caring soul he had to be, Bob got even less sleep as he gently rocked Jay to sleep after each spell. But eventually, it was time to come full circle and the duo found themselves on a bus back to Jersey. * * * * * Jay whimpered, pulling one of Bob's coats closer around him as he returned from the bathroom. "Where the fuck are we?" Bob pulled Jay down into the seat beside him, "Pennsylvania." "Still a few more days on the road then?" Jay let his head rest on Bob's shoulder, ignoring the suspicious glances they'd gotten ever since the bus left Cleveland. Bob nodded, smiling as Jay's head slid down and rested on his chest. He let his covered hand work into the jacket and rest on the ever-growing belly. It had only been three months, but Jay had gained quite a bit of weight and had to wear mostly Silent Bob's clothes...soon he'd have to wear even bigger. Jay sighed and let his eyes slide closed. He couldn't believe how comfortable Bob was as a pillow, the large arms hugged him close and he found himself falling asleep. * * * * * Meanwhile, back in Jersey, the quick stop was pretty much business as usual. "This is some weird shit." Randal picked at a snack cake as he watched the midget porn. "You know Randal, you're the only person that could see this as entertainment." Dante tried to look away, but found he couldn't. "It's quite fascinating actually." Randal looked to Dante, "Not really arousing, but still with entertainment value." "I honestly don't know what I see in you." Dante rolled his eyes and relaxed in his seat. "Simple." Randal tilted his head and fluttered his eyelashes, "I'm adorable. You can't help falling head over heels for my pretty face." "Right." Dante pushed the man away, "Either that or you can't get enough of my hopeless puppy adoration." Randal repositioned himself on the stool and went back to watching the porn. The bell tinkled as a customer walked in. The man was wearing a white leisure suit and hat, he looked pimpish. "May I help you?" Dante stood and manned the register. Azreal turned and smiled at the pair, "Yes actually, you may. I'm looking for a couple of drug dealers." "I'll let you know right now that I don't advocate drug use." Randal spoke, not taking his eyes off the television. "Well, I don't know any personally." Dante replied. "Oh, I think you know them...they frequent this place quite often." Azreal started, "They go by Jay and Silent Bob." "Those two." Dante sighed, "I haven't seen them in...a while." "You were at their wedding three months ago." Azreal replied. "How'd you know that?" Randal was still riveted to the porn. "I know a lot." Azreal's grin slid into an emotionless expression, "But I need to know where they are right now." "I imagine they're still on their vacation honeymoon." Randal finished his snaky cakes, "They haven't been here since we got robbed." Azreal laughed, "I see...well, thank you for your time gentlemen." Then, he was gone. "That was weird." Randal raised an eyebrow. "Tell me about it." Dante resumed his position on the stool. * * * * * "...fucking queers." The old lady across the aisle grumbled. Jay barely heard the words, then they began to echo in his mind, setting off a chain reaction. "What did you say lady?" "I said you two should keep it to yourself before the whole world realizes you're fucking queers!" The old lady said louder. "Fuck you lady." Jay stood, "What the fuck is wrong with this country? I can fuckin bust a nut in any slut chick I want, but I *happen* to find true happiness in someone that *happens* to be a guy and all of a sudden I'm a *FAGGOT*! Well you know what lady, I may be a *QUEER*, but at least I'm happy! I'll have you know that I'm very much in love with this tubby bitch, *and* we're gonna have a kid, so what does that say about you fucks?" "Jay..." Bob tugged on the sleeve of the heavy green coat, trying to get Jay to sit down. "No Silent Bob, this has to be said!" Jay was on a roll, "We're gonna have a fuckin kid and I can honestly tell you that we'll probably be better fucking parents than anyone on this fucking bus!" The bus driver stepped on the brakes and began walking down the aisle toward the yelling Jay. "Sit down..." Bob pulled harder on the sleeve. "Okay, I'm done. But only because my companion, and the angry looking bus driver say it's in my best interest. Just let it be known that I won't stand for your fucking hate." Jay slouched into his seat, smiling slightly when the bus driver returned to the front and started the bus back up. Bob rolled his eyes and smacked his head against the window. "I couldn't help myself Silent Bob, they called us queer, like it's some kinda insult or something." Jay cuddled up to Bob, tracing lines on the black trench coat. "Come on, I didn't get us kicked off the bus..." Bob sighed and let Jay relax back against him, once again letting his hand rest on the growing child. * * * * * Rufus made it to the apartment two days before Jay and Silent Bob. Much to his displeasure, it was exactly as he had pictured it. He began to pick up the pit of a mess just so he could manage to sleep there. * * * * * Azreal walked through the tri-town mall, trying not to grimace amongst the heavy traffic of teens. "Hey Brodie! Brodie!" A female voice came from behind him. Azreal turned as he felt a hand on his wrist, he found himself face to face with a petite almost pale young woman with cropped brown hair and a wide smile. "Hey Brodie, I wanted to ask you what happened with Renee and your mom! Did it go well?" The girl smiled and directed him to a bench. "It did...very well." Azreal smiled, nodding slightly. "I'm sure she's happy." the girl rolled her eyes, "What's with the pimp gear?" "Just trying out something new..." Azreal smiled. "Well, I know I'm not the first to tell you, but it's not you." she laughed slightly. "Trish!" A throaty voice came from the crowd and a bouncy blonde ran to the other girl. "Hey Gwen." Trish smiled. "Brodie..." Gwen raised her eyebrows, "You look like shit." "Thanks." Azreal feigned a smile. "I haven't seen you since Jay and Silent Bob's wedding!" Gwen turned back to Trish, "What have you been up to?" "I went on tour with the book." Trish grinned. "Speaking of the dynamic duo, do you two happen to know where the happy couple is?" Azreal asked calmly. "Well, if they're back..." Gwen smiled, "They're probably back at their place." "Really?" Azreal smiled. "Why do you want to know?" Gwen raised an eyebrow, "In the market to score pot?" "Of course not." Azreal responded, "I just wanted to get their gift to them...but I don't have their address or anything." "Oh." Trish gave a puzzled look, "Didn't you and T.S. go to their party last summer?" "Nope, must have been someone else." Azreal tried to fend off the question. "I'm sure you were there..." Gwen pulled a notepad out of her purse, then scribbled some stuff on it, "But here's the directions." "Thanks ladies." Azreal stood to leave. "No problem Brodie, but you might want to think about burning that outfit." Gwen giggled. "That's bad for the environment." Trish smirked, "Just turn it into seat covers or something." "Yeah..." Azreal began to walk away. "I'll look into that." * * * * * "Are we there yet?" Jay awoke looking at Silent Bob, who was still sleeping. He could feel the man's hand on his ever-growing belly and felt the depression coming on again. He ran his hand down Bob's chest and then thumped him hard to wake him up. "Huh?" Bob was jerked out of sleep, and rolled his eyes as Jay sat closer to upright. "Silent Bob..." Jay talked in hushed tones, not wanting to wake the other passengers, "I have a question." Bob raised an eyebrow. "Will you still love me when I'm big as a whale and puking and hating everything?" Jay lifted up the armrest separating them and laid out in Bob's lap. Bob smiled softly and ran his fingers over the split ends of Jay's blonde hair, then nodded an affirmative. "Even when I'm ugly?" Jay sighed, "And what if I don't want to fuck anymore?" Silent Bob grinned and stifled a laugh. "And what if I do? Will you still find me attractive when I'm in my third trimester and horney as hell?" "Yes." Bob answered quietly. "Thanks, snoogans." Jay grinned. Then, in an instant he was on his feet making a break for the bathroom to throw up again. The loud noises woke up the young woman in front of them and she peered over the seat, "Is he okay?" Bob nodded, "He gets bad motion sickness." "Oh." The woman stood and moved to Jay's seat so she could speak in a whisper. "Does he always have outbursts like earlier?" Bob shrugged, "Usually worse and more often." The woman made a disgusted face, "How can you stand him?" Bob shrugged again, "It's always been that way." "Ugh." The woman stood to return to her seat, "Well, I'm glad someone can stand him...or else he'd be out here torturing the rest of us!" Bob laughed slightly. That was true, if they hadn't gotten everything out in the open Jay would have gotten them kicked off the bus the first day. Now, they only had one more day and night to go. Jay returned back to his seat and settled against Silent Bob, pulling the green coat around him. "Sorry about that." Bob smiled sedately; he understood good and well that Jay was in for a few more months of this. Instinctively, he reached into a small backpack they'd purchased and pulled out a piece of greasy beef jerky. "How'd you know?" Jay grinned as Bob unwrapped the treat and gave it to him, "I don't know what I'd do without you. Hey, is there any..." Bob put a hand over Jay's mouth and pulled out a can of Dr. Pepper and opened it. "You can read me like a book." Jay took the soda. * * * * * "Time to lock up." Dante pushed Randal aside as he did his now routine check of the rest room. "Hey, I was just getting to the good part." Randal turned off "Pink Flamingos". "There are no good parts in that movie." Dante returned to the register and began counting his drawer. "I'm devastated!" Randal sat up on the counter, "It's a John Waters film, not to mention an all around classic." " 'Star Wars' is a classic, 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' is a classic, 'Pink Flamingos' is garbage." Dante continued to count the money. "You just don't understand the underlying message." Randal defended the film, "All of us have some degree of filth...Divine just personifies that filth in all of us." "Yeah, whatever." Dante took the cash and locked it in the safe. "I'm serious." Randal jumped down as Dante went to the door and turned off the lights. "We *all* have that filth in our lives, even though *I rule* I have that filth in me." "Really, what's so filthy about you?" Dante wasn't really interested in the conversation, but he knew that he may as well participate. "Well..." Randall thought about it as they got in the car, "I don't know, but it's there." Suddenly, there was a thump as a great weight fell on top of the car. "Holy Shit!" Dante froze in his spot. "What the fuck was that..." Randal went to roll down the window and look. "Don't do that!" Dante smacked Randal's hand, "We don't know what's out there." "Well, it's after midnight in the city. Chances are it's either a psycho or a dead body." Randal replied dryly, "I'm thinking it's a body." Then there was a bright flash of light, and a silhouette appeared about 10 feet in front of the car. "Wow...aliens...that was unexpected." Randal raised an eyebrow. "It's not a fucking alien." Dante replied, "It looks like one of the guys that robbed us and tried to rape us..." "Oh wow, it's the one that liked me...maybe he wants to apologize." Randal shrugged. "I think it's more likely that he wants to finish the job." Dante kept his eyes on the unmoving figure as he heard the other one moving around on top of the car. "Shit, what are we gonna do?" Then, there was a plume of fire as Metatron showed up. "Bartleby, Loki...what in God's name are you doing?" "Get out of here, Metatron." Bartleby yelled in return, "You don't want to be part of this." "I want to stop it." Metatron sighed, "Have you gone mad? God is accepting you back into Heaven and you want to jeopardize that?" "We want revenge, Metatron." Loki spoke, "Something I'm sure you don't understand." "Look, Azreal is *using* you two...don't you get it?" Metatron tried to talk them down. "No he isn't! He wants the best for us. By getting rid of Jay and Silent Bob, and the last scion, things will go back to normal." Bartleby grinned. "No it won't!" Metatron replied, "That will just make things worse, and God will make sure you end up in hell." Then, in an instant, the angels were gone. * * * * * Bethany smiled as she looked into the viewer, then at God. It was Bethany's first act as 'God in Training' to banish the ex-angels. It was all too easy. "They will probably try to revolt." God looked down at the viewer. "But that would mean getting Lucifer involved...and that could take a while." "What about Azreal?" Bethany asked as Metatron returned. "That's up to the prophet's guardian angel." God replied. "It's Rufus' last test." Metatron sighed, "Why did you go and ruin my fun?" Bethany laughed, "The guys were getting scared." "Oh yes, you can make the mortals happy, but give the voice of God a moment of pleasure..." Metatron grumbled. * * * * * "Hey Silent Bob, are we almost there?" Jay looked away from his comic book. "18 hours." Bob replied, blowing a plume of smoke out the window. "Shit man, I don't ever want to take a fucking bus again." Jay grumbled. Bob shrugged, gazing out the window. "What the fuck is up with you?" Jay elbowed the man, "You haven't said a word in forever. Bob shrugged again, his lips curling into a small smile, "Thinking." "Oh." Jay bobbed his head, not entirely unlike a parrot, "Whatcha thinkin' about?" "Nothing." Bob continued to gaze out the window, catching Jay's saddened reflection in it. "Just...our future." "What do you mean, our future?" Jay put his head on Bob's shoulder, "I mean, we're gonna fucken be together forever, right? Or why else would you put this fucken ring on my finger...don't I mean anything to you?" Jay was starting to go into hysterics. "Not about us." Bob looked to Jay, putting a finger to his lips for silence. "About...the baby." "Oh." Jay looked to the seat in front of him, then slid down into his seat and looked at Bob, "I'm worried...what if I do something wrong and kill it?" Bob laughed lightly, "Don't worry about that." "Well, what's got you all mopey? I know you're usually pretty silent, but I...I really need you to talk to me right now. I don't know why, but the sound of your voice...makes me feel special." Jay let his head rest in the fleshy crook of Bob's arm. "I'm just worried that we'll be bad parents." Bob finally replied. "Shit no." Jay pressed his head in close, forcing Bob to put his arm around him, "I know better...and you're practically a fucken woman, no offence love, we can do it." "*I'm* practically a woman?" Bob raised an eyebrow accusingly. "Fuck man, that was a low blow. It's not like *I* chose this." Jay grumbled. Bob sighed in resignation; it was a fight best left alone. Putting out the stub of his cigarette on the window frame, then flicking it out, Bob put the window back up, it was definitely starting to get chilly. * * * * * Rufus flopped onto the battered couch with a sigh. He was done with the bedroom and living room...leaving only two rooms, the world's most disgusting kitchen and bathroom to take care of. Then, his ears perked up to the sound of someone coming up the stairs in the building. With a shrug, he decided it was one of the other tenants and went about the massive task of getting the kitchen somewhat presentable. "Apostle." Azreal laughed as he entered the room. "How nice to see you again." * * * * * The ride had been long and overall terrible. Bob heaved a sigh as he carried their 4 suitcases up the stairs by himself. "Fuck, let me get a couple of those." Jay called up from a few stairs behind. Bob turned and gave Jay look that could only read 'Hell No', then finished climbing the stairs. At the landing, Jay sprinted ahead and put his key in the door, then opened it up in time for Rufus to come flying into the hallway and smack into the dingy wall. "Get out..." Rufus stood back up, going back into the room. "I see the prophets have arrived!" Azreal laughed, "Come on in boys..." Bob pulled Jay back into the hall as Jay moved to go in. "Don't move." He grumbled in a whisper, then stepped in the doorway. Azreal laughed, throwing Rufus into the couch and turning towards Silent Bob, "So, where's your fucking putter now?" A demonic smile crept over his lips, "No instrument of God...what are you gonna do?" Bob charged, taking a swing at the demon, only to find himself being thrown beside Rufus. Jay watched the proceedings with horror...then it hit him. He hoped he was right and stepped up the demon. "Fuck you!" "What did you say?" Azreal turned to Jay. "I said *FUCK YOU* you piece of demon shit." Jay yelled, then charged forward. "*NO!*" Bob yelled, quickly coming to his feet as Jay's Doc Marten boot connected with (if human) what would have been Azreal's balls. "Fuck yeah." Jay grinned as he pulled his foot away and Azreal began to catch on fire where the boot connected. "What the hell..." Rufus stood, "It's really him...it's not his avatar!" "When I get back to hell *I'll* show you pain!" Azreal yelled, being slowly dissolved in the growing flame. "There's a nice warm bed waiting for you there." Bob took Jay in his arms as the blonde man went from triumphant to scared in a heartbeat. "Holy shit..." Jay trembled into Bob's arms..."Did I kill it?" Bob began to tremble as well, then sighed as the demon was gone, leaving only a scorch mark on their carpet. Soothingly, he ran his hands over Jay's hair, "It's gone..." "Holy fucking Jesus, Joseph and Mary!" Rufus yelled, standing and accessing the situation. "How the hell did you do that?" Jay pulled away and up righted a chair, sitting down. Then, he rubbed his belly, "Well...the putter made me think..." Rufus' eyes grew wide, "You mean..." Bob smirked, nodding, "Technically he's an instrument of God." "Fuck yeah." Jay nodded, the let his grin slide into a frown, "That was too easy." "Maybe not..." Rufus started. "Keep in mind that he had no idea you're carrying the scion." Bob shrugged, the man had a point. "Thanks for cleaning up." Bob changed the subject. "Well, I'm not done yet." Rufus sighed, "But I had to make it livable." "Yeah, if we're gonna have a kid here...we want it be cleaner." Jay nodded in agreement. "And I won't live in filth." Rufus added. "You're livin' with us too?" Jay sighed. "Just until you guys are settled in with the baby." Rufus grinned, "I'm your guardian angel." "That's some bitchen shit." Jay grinned. Rufus approached Jay pensively, then put his hands on Jay's growing belly, "May I?" Jay stood up and slid off the heavy green coat, handing it to Bob so he could hang up both of them. Then, he lifted his sweatshirt and undershirt to bare the swelling belly. "Sure, just don't...well, just be careful." Bob came to his man's side as Rufus touched the skin. "What do you think?" Rufus smirked as he stood back up and watched Jay readjust his clothing. "I think it's fine." "Did you figure out a due date?" Bob asked, leading Jay back to the bedroom to lie down. Then, securely shutting the door behind Jay, he made his way back to the living room for an answer. "We aren't sure yet." Rufus smiled as Bob sat down on the couch and lit a cigarette. "But it will be in December." "Just in time for Christmas." Bob smirked. "How's he doing? Was the bus trip pretty bad?" Rufus took the chair Jay had been sitting in. "He threw up a lot, and he's getting mood swings...but not too bad." Bob shrugged, "I know it can only get worse." "Not really." Rufus smiled, "You're almost through the worst of it." Bob shrugged, "What can I say, I love him. Even when he's insecure and puking." "Now that's true love." Rufus laughed. "Either way, I'm going to go work a little on the kitchen and bathroom." "Yeah." Bob nodded, "I think I'm going to lay down with Jay." "You do that." Rufus grinned as Bob made his way to the bedroom. "You do that." ***** TBC *****