Title: Numb Author: Taylor Jameson Fandom: Chasing Amy Pairing: Banky/Holden Rating: PG Summary: Right after Alyssa leaves. Archive: To the pre-approved places, all others ask and ye shall receive. Email: taylorjameson@yahoo.com Series/Sequel: Nope Web Page: http://www.angelfire.com/az2/taylorjameson Disclaimer: The characters belong to the wonderful Kevin Smith and the song belongs to The Cure. Warnings: There be angst in these parts... Notes: This takes place at the point where they cut to the future in the movie. The whole "In The Future" ending never happened and Holden is sitting alone in the living room while Banky sobs in his room. Date: 8/21/2000 "Yeah, this is how it ends After all these years Tired of it all Hopelessly, helplessly broken apart He finally falls He doesn't want to think He doesn't want to feel Doesn't know what's going on Says there's nothing he can do that will change anything Because he's in love with a drug One that's making him numb One that stops him from feeling at all He's in love with a drug Forget everyone He really doesn't care anymore... Anymore... Yeah this is how it ends After all this time Everything just fades away Worn-out and empty and all alone With nothing left to say Oh it's all too big to make a difference It's all too wrong to make it right Yeah everything is too unfair Everything too much to bear He doesn't have the strength left for the fight Says all he wants is the drug The one that makes him numb The one that stops him from feeling at all He just wants to take the drug The one that makes him numb The one that stops him from feeling at all Just keeps loving the drug The one that makes him numb The one that stops him from feeling at all Just keeps loving the drug The drug that he's become He isn't really here anymore... And that makes me cry." Banky sang the lyrics slightly under his breath, the tears sliding down his face as he mourned in the dark pit he had created. All the events seemed to flash before him, meeting Alyssa, watching Holden (predictably enough) fall for her. Then his stomach once again began tying itself in knots as he recalled the dual pain of seeing Holden with her and the pain Holden was being absorbed in. The song came around again on the endless repeat and Banky let the words sink deep. It was perfect really; Holden was addicted endlessly to the drug that was Alyssa. Events only an hour past ravaged him once more. The shame of Holden whipping out the one thing Banky had never told him, then played it like some twisted trump card. Even worse, because the man was too busy trying to convince Alyssa he could make things right, the fact that Banky had been outed as not only gay, but in love with him had been pushed aside. The kiss. The soft sweetness that felt like heaven and hell all in one moment. The most degrading of all was how he pawned off a life changing moment as an excuse to get Alyssa in bed. "Banky?" Holden knocked lightly on the door. Banky wiped away the tears and tried to calm himself as much as possible. "What the fuck do you want?" "We need to talk..." Holden sighed through the door. "I think you've said all that needs to be said." Banky shot back. "I don't think I have, Banky, either come out or I'm coming in." Holden was sounding frustrated. "I've already been outed once today, I personally think that's quite enough. Or do you want to use me to get Alyssa to fuck you again?" Banky heard the other man trying the doorknob, "It's locked." "Banky, don't make me break in." Holden threatened. Banky didn't reply. The last thing he wanted to do was confront the hopeless bastard. Then, as Banky stood to change to another CD, he heard the first heavy thud. He couldn't believe Holden was actually trying to bash the door in. He gave in before the door would. "Fuck, Holden, stop it! I'll let you in." Holden stopped as he readied for his second run, then let a thin smile cross his tearstained face. Banky unlocked the door and quickly retreated into the darkest corner where he had pushed his bed...he didn't want Holden to know he'd been crying. "Banky, I'm sorry for what I did earlier...I don't know what I was thinking..." Holden came into the dark room, not approaching the almost invisible figure. "What the fuck, Holden! What, are you sorry for airing my secret before we could talk about it? Sorry for using my feelings as a reason to fuck that little dyke? Sorry for treating me like the ultimate third wheel? Sorry for...for kissing me?" Banky was near hysterics. "I didn't...I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't know how to talk to you about your feelings, our feelings, and it seemed right at the time." Holden took a few steps closer, wringing his hands. "Everything was going so fast...and I...I got confused." "So you used my feeble emotional state as a crutch?!" Banky's temper once again reared its ugly head; "You fucking used me Holden! You...you used me as a pawn in your fucked up love life!" Holden tried to defend himself; "I was in love with her, Banky...I think I still am." "Was it so hard you couldn't do it without completely humiliating me?" Banky felt the tears rising in his throat. "I...Banky, I don't know what to tell you. I don't expect you to forgive me...I just don't want to lose you." Holden stepped up to the bed. "How long have you known?" Banky sighed after a long silence. "What?" Holden was stunned by the unexpected question. "How long have you known about my...feelings?" Banky's voice trembled. Holden took a long pause, then replied, "I suppose the idea's been around for a few years...but it didn't really come together until Alyssa came into the picture..." Banky didn't quite know how to reply, then he started from the beginning. "About 5 years ago, I started to...examine...our friendship and what kept us together. Then, I realized it was because I was falling in love with you. I started getting jealous, wanting to spend more time with you than anyone else. I suppose that's when I started to change...started to spend long hours thinking about myself, about why I acted the way I did..." Holden interrupted, sitting lightly on the bed, "You don't have to explain..." "You see Holden, when Alyssa came around it ripped my heart into a million pieces. Every single feeling you had for her...I had for you and wished deeply for you to have for me. When you just threw around my feelings...It hurt Holden. It hurt a lot more than you could ever imagine..." Holden moved closer and took Banky's hands, "Banky...I'm sorry. I...I love you more than anything." "Fuck you." Banky yelled, "I'm sick of you fucking with my emotions!" He tired to pull away. Holden pulled the smaller man into his arms and kissed him gently. Taken by the surprise kiss, Banky let a soft gasp and felt Holden take advantage, deepening the kiss. Holden gasped for a breath as he pulled away, "That was real...if you don't believe it, then you're worse off than I thought." Banky sighed and squeezed the hands that held his. "Holden...you didn't have to...I mean, you're still on the rebound from Alyssa and..." "Alyssa's gone..." Holden put a single finger to Banky's trembling kiss-bruised lips, "all I need is you..." Before he could protest, Banky felt himself being pulled into Holden's strong arms and slid into a comfortable position on the open lap, his arms around Holden's chest. "In the end I guess it's always been us. Every time something bad happens, I've always been able to run to you." Holden slid his hands through Banky's hair. "And every time I needed anything...you were always there for me." Banky pressed his ear to Holden's chest to hear the lulling heart beat. Holden ran his hands down Banky's back, holding him close. Banky looked up, then met Holden in another kiss as the partially relieved tears of bittersweet joy began to flow. Holden leaned back and slowly pulled Banky with him so they lay side by side. "I love you." Banky whispered, pressing his body close. "I love you too." Holden gently stroked Banky's cheek, "Always." "More than Alyssa?" Banky tested the proverbial waters. "Shh..." Holden let his eyes slip closed, "She's gone for good." ***** END *****