Title: The Divine Revelation (while toked off yo ass) Author: ZerosAshes (zerosashes@cableone.net) Pairing: Jay and Silent Bob... sorta? Archive: Would anyone want this? Rating: J Disclaimer: "You are the ones who are the assholes!" - Kevin Smith on fanfiction. Summary: Jay talks about jerking off while trying to make an obscure point. Warnings: Just cursing and general Jay-ness. Note: This is my attempt at being funny, when I am all about angst, while hoped up on coffee and low on protien. And I did it, no angst, but it really isn't funny. It's the weirdness, that's what it is. Here is Jay dialogue, continuously, discussing his latest revelation with a friend. That's it. I didn't beta it because it really.. is just.. terrible anyway. It was also written in about twenty minutes. :) YAY! Youse get this, Bob's always been my bitch. It's this crazy shit that I noticed, ya know? Like pie an' cheese. Theys go together good. HEY fuck yous I think it tastes good youse can go fuck a dog you mutherfuckin' bitch. Yeah, what? Huh? Bitch. Fuck you. It's good shit. Fuckin' asshole all the time, man. Get over your shit. Bitch. But yeah.... so it's about Bob yo. He's always there. Well not now but that's cuz he's a lazy fuck, fat bitch, always sleepin an' shit. Usually he's around tho, an' we've been hangin for years and years, like since we were fuckin kids an' shit... everybody knows us. When he's not around it's all like, hey Jay, where's Bob? It's so fuckin true, man, I bet he gets the same thing. I don't like it when people fuckin' bagger me with stupid questions tho, so I try to stay with him to avoid that shit, yeah... Jay and Silent Bob. There ain't no other way to say it... an' I've been noticing, that I always jerk off with my right hand. Oh yeah you too? That's cool shit. Small world. Wait the fuck, ain't youse left handed? That's fucked up shit. How can you just switch it like that? You can write with yer toes? FUCK! What are youse, some kind of fuckin.. freak, jerkin' off bitch? Snoogans. Nah seriously, youse gotta show that shit to me sometime man. Wouldn't that be bomb if youse could jerk of with yer toes? Free hands style I do it when I'm doing stuff, like rollin' weed an' shit... on the job and on the nob. Oh shit yeah that's a good idea, let me roll some more 'ere. Scoot the fuck over, why is youse all up in my space for? Fuck. Gonna pay me for this shit, man? Nah it's good tho, but damn youse owe me big you fuck. I'm too fuckin' nicey nicey to your pansy ass. I should make you let me fuck your girlfriend sometime or somethin... hittin it old time style. All, call me Jay, bitch, and shut the fuck up. Yeah. That's good shit, yeah? Always is, I only gots the good green. God, you fuckin' puss. You don't even fuckin hold it right. It's not a cigarette, slut. I swear to God, you'd be lost without me. Everybody is. Like this, bitch. Got it? Yeah..... not so fuckin cool now, eh? Shit.. Oh yeah, shit.. stop side trackin me mutherfucka, I'm tryin to tell this shit. So, right... I first pulled my cock at like seven er somethin' an' that time it was with my right hand. In my mom's room sneakin porn tapes... my first porn too, man, good times.. It was cool as hell. I've been doin' it since that first load yo, like all the fuckin time. An' this angel.. wait no the black guy. Well fuck it, sos he can be an angel he was dead anyhow. I dunno. Angels is scary fucks, did youse know that shit? Yeah... What the fuck was I talkin about? Oh yeah, my bad. Well he said I jerked off more than like anybody in the whole fuckin' world... an' it's so fuckin' true, man. When I'm not hittin some bitch I'm smackin' my set. I likes it, yo. Don't fuckin look at me like that, you pansy piece of shit. Fuck you. Like youse never played with yer balls before, shit. Sos I do it with my right, an' sometimes I try to do it with my left, but it really.. it just don't fucking work. It's not... right. See, there you fuckin go... Right is the right way, that's the way it fuckin is. I'm a god damn genius, just like Silent Bob. Yeah.... like how red is not green and stuff. Stop and go. Actually I don't do that. Fuck that rubbing an' teasin shit, I take it full on. They call it jerking for a reason, fuck. Not like Bob, that bitch, he fuckin... Oh yeah. See that's what I wuz talkin' about, about Bob. So we jack off watchin porn, like lesbos an' shrimp, gettin' all about the clam an' shit... it'z not a big deal. We've all done it, yo. Yeah. What the fuck, don't call me a fag you bitch, I'm gonna fuck yer mom an' then you'll know I'm not a fag. Shit, I already fucked her an' she loved it! Just beggin for more, I'm like suck it, bitch. And what? Yeah, you ain't got nothing to say. But so what if I'm a fag sometimes? Fuck you! That's what I was tryin to get at but youse have to keep fuckin talking to me an' shit.. here's the mutherfuckin rules. One, shut the hell up. Two, shut the fuck up. All right? This ain't yer damn story so play like Silent Bob an' bit your damn tongue. Fine don't, ass fuck, I never liked youse anyway... I don't know why I'm so fuckin nice to you. Fuck. One of these days man I'm gonna tell Silent Bob to kick your ass. He would too, fucker does what I say most time... Ahhh... that's what it's about. Silent Bob thinks I'm hot, I knows it.. And how I jack off with my right hand? Yo, get this shit.. he watches me. Hell yeah it's fucked up but I don't mind, it's kinda cool... What. God damnit man like youse never peeked at that bitch of a friend of yours. So what if he's fuckin married, you're both fags just waitin' to grind. Shut up an' let a man speak, all right. Damnit. Gimme that weed, fuck youse heard me.. it's mine, mutherfucka. Than shut up! Good. Sos he watches me, so he knows I dose it with my right hand, ya know. And I realized I'm always fuckin' callin Silent Bob my right hand man... isn't that fucked up? And he all smiles an' shit and nods his head in that fuckin way he does. Like he fuckin likes it... He thinks too much about shit, all smart as fuck, so you know he's fuckin thought about it... so he knows what it means. What? .... He wants to jerk me off man, that's what the fuck it means! No it does, I've fuckin figured it out. Right hand man, I smack it with my right hand. Get it? He's like my jerk off hand. And I's do think about him sometimes, an' I'm thinkin... Youse say one more thing I'll slap yer fuckin mouth off, bitch. You think I can't? SKINNY? Fuck skinny yer ass is thin too. That's it, wanna settle this shit? Huh? Come on, bitch, I'll take yo ass DOWN. So what if I'm a fag? He's never really jerked me off he just touched it that one time! Yeah. It was crazy shit, man. It was a damn accident... well that's what he says. Shit, I can see through that shit like water. He's my right hand man, yo.... Yeah, I wonder if he gives good head, youse ever think that shit about T.S? *~The End~* Author's Note: .... I hope you laughed. Once, maybe? I know it's weird but I did it like that on purpose, it just would've been *boring* if I actually wrote Brodie's responses right? And who cares about description.. it's all about the dialogue! ~~ZerosAshes~~ I had a dream I was Kevin Smith....