Title: A Chance Untaken
Author: ZerosAshes ( zerosashes@peoplepc.com )
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Rating: PG-13 (for death and depression?)
Summary: Jay tells Bob his secret and this is what happens.
Archive: Sure, just ask.. or tell me where's it going.
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to Kevin Smith's sweet beautiful man body and brain. ::bows::
Notes: This is one depressing motherfucker... or at least to me. I just wrote it on some kick so I hope it is all right. This is my
first Jay and Silent Bob fic, I don't know why I had to start with one so shitty... ::tear:: I hope it's all right.

Jay sat outside the Quick Stop, back pressed up against the cold concrete of the store. His arms were huddled up under his thin jacket, his knees pressed together pulled up in front of him. It was freezing, his cheeks red from the wind and his cloths wet from the snow he'd been sitting in for the last nine hours or so. This was probably the coldest day of the year, at least that's what people walking by were sayin. Though he didn't nessarily care.

"Nice way to kick the bucket I think, man... People are all like, hey man I'm gonna slit my wrists and drink a lot of beers. But them guys don't know nothin'... damn youse can't even OD on blunts." His words shook slightly, even though his body had stopped shivering hours ago he couldn't seem to get the shake out of his voice. It annoyed him. It didn't sound right.

But he wasn't a bad ass anymore, was he?

"But hey goin' out high is an ideal way for me... well that an' havin some fine ass bitch hittin me with a blowjob right 'bout now. That would be cool shit.." Jay's eyes stared forward, not brothering to look to his side where Silent Bob was usually standing. He wasn't there anymore, he hadn't been around for weeks. But for some reason he couldn't stop pretending he was there.. he'd apologized a million times to nothing and still the pain didn't stop. "Not that youse don't think I'm a faggot anyway neither.. tubby bitch."

A nor'easter had come in the night before, the world was white. The snow pilled up along the streets of Leonardo and on the trees, with the backdrop of sunset it caused some sort of serenity; a calmness. He never thought he'd wanna go out calm and quiet, but it was nice. Reminded him of something... someone. He liked the color of the sky and smell of winter; it even smelled fucking cold but it was comforting.

"Ya's know I wish youse was here, Lunchbox." How long had it been? Not long, actually, last week they'd passed each other, old Lunchbox buying some cig's from Dante. Didn't even look at him, walked right on by then left the same way.

Though Jay had watched him, his back and his face and wanted to say something, to go after him and say something right. But knowing him he couldn't do anything, couldn't say anything but 'Hey's fuck you tooya Tubby Bitch!' The worst thing to say. If it hadn't been fucked before he'd certainly made sure it was... but what did Bob expect? Jay just wanted to hurt him back now... he didn't want to go out the looser, the victim and shit. He was too cool for that. "Ya knows I was jus kiddin and shit.."

Not anymore though. Today seemed like a great day to die, to lay down and just let it take him. Go to Heaven or Hell, he didn't care. "I's could argue my case too, sittin outside some fuckin' store in the cold isn't killing myself yo, that bitch better let me into her fuckin pearly gates. She better not think they's all too good an' shit, leavin the prophet all alone..." His icy breath lingered around his face before floating up into the sky.

He trailed off, watching the sun slide behind some houses in the distance, bright orange and red against white and gray. It was like the two afterlife's were clashing... fighting over who got their hands on him first. "See that Lunchbox, you pussy bitch.. that's so pretty I bet it'd make yo ass cry."

The cold felt like it was seeping into his bones, ice on his face, but he couldn't really feel it anymore. His body was numb but his
fingers and toes hurt like a bitch; stinging. He didn't know if they were asleep or falling off. He was freezing and rotting into his own bones, it'd been forever since he'd eaten, he couldn't remember the last time...

"Yeahs this is a good place to die, it's like I was born here yo, and now I'm goin' out here too, all alone an' like I don't needs ya. You can call me a faggot cuz' youse know what, I don't care nos more. Youse was supposed to be a faggot too and shit, but you screwed up my fuckin' plan you fat fuck.."

The rattling of a door and keys echoed in the silence of the serene setting, the lock of the store's door. Jay leaned his head against the wall and stared forward, eyelid's dropping with a serious look playing across his features. "Maybe they'll try an' say shit to me, maybe not.. neither way those fucks, fuck them, man.. it don't matter no more."

Two pairs of jeans came into his vision and he didn't brother to look up, he just shrugged his shoulder and brought the edge of his jacket closer, staring between them as the last of all light he'd ever see faded across the horizon.

"Jay.. what the hell are you doing out here? Go home." Dante's voice was annoyed but too quiet to hide his lie, the worry over someone he'd never cared about. "I'll take you home just get in the car. No people are here.. we're closing the stores early so you won't make any sells."

"I don't sell dope man.." Jay said, sliding his leg down, scratching across the snow until it rested in the white powder hardened into ground and ice.

"Dante why do you even care- he sits out here and talks to himself. He's smoked himself stupid, he scares off the fucking customers... just let him sulk he'll go home when he's hungry." Randal. A truer voice, a true person.. doesn't give a shit about no body but himself.

Dante gathered his coat closer, a flash of a glove across Jay's sight as he gestured towards him. "I know, but-"

"Just let it go. He does this every night! Nothing's gonna change, this stoner fuck doesn't know up from down." Randal stepped towards the car, "It was sad but now it's just annoying.. let's get out of
here."

Jay slid lower into his jacket, voice barely a whisper, "Hear that shit Bob.. he thinks I'm sad..." A chuckle. "That's fuckin funny.."

A pause in step from Dante, than a long sigh. "Fine. You're right." His feet crunched into the snow as he walked away, opening the door to his car with one final, last, "See ya Jay."

"Fuck you, Quick Stop boy.." His yell echoed the slamming thuds of the car doors, and he watched as the car started after a few tries and pulled out of the parking lot. It's lights lit up the road as it rolled away.

All alone now. Truly alone. He felt like he was the only person in the world, the only person crossing the line between a cold ass carcass and happy fields and shit.

And no body cared.

But that was cool, he didn't want them to. He didn't want to see anyone, especially that tubby bitch. He never wanted to see that back stabbing fuck again, never wanted to hear his voice or see his stupid expressions neither... "I'm the faggot huh, yeas that's fuckin hilarious.. you're the faggot. You lead me on, that's what you did... you motherfucker!.. shit, I don't even care..."

He could say that a millions times but it wasn't true. It was cold, his heart was as cold as his body, it'd frozen over long ago when he'd tried to explain how he felt truthfully. It was like a flashback of memories; of pretty pictures and good times. All the memories that made him hurt slapping him right in the face, or like a knife to the heart; twisting. All the times Bob smiled, all the times they'd smoked, all the times Lunchbox had his back. All ruined in one moment, one stupid moment by the stupidest person in the fuckin world.

Himself.

They were high late one night at the apartment, laughing and making jokes; having a great time. It was just those times that had seemed the fakest to Jay, the fakeness of his words constantly falling from his lips disgusted him, suffocated him inside like there wasn't any air around him. Having to sneak around his feelings, covering it up and calling Bob names, jerking off in the bathroom and biting his tongue to keep from saying his name. Fear of what would happen if he found out, the pain of feeling like he was far-away, even with the person he wanted the most around him all the time, constantly there but just out of reach.

He'd made the mistake of saying all that, explaining everything fast like there wasn't enough time to finish it. The way Bob stared at him, he knew he wasn't making sense. He tried to cover it up, only to go back to it. He was crazy. But he was suffocating and he couldn't keep it in anymore.

"I love you, Lunchbox.."

Those words. They were so fuckin' stupid, they made his stomach twist into knots even as he said them. You can't say shit like that. It made himself sick. Sick with worry and guilt and .. sadness.

The reaction was the worst thing he'd expected, Bob standing up and storming around the room, pacing, not staying still, pushing Jay away when he came close, not listening when Jay tried to lie it all away. He laughed the coldest of laughs, anger in his brown eyes; disbelief. Maybe sadness, or maybe Jay's blonde desperate ass had just imagined that over time.

"I couldn't explain it to you.. for once you bitch.. you wouldn't listen.. you wouldn't listen to me and you kept walking away. Yeah fuck you know I hate that shit. What was I supposed to do.."

He'd pinned him to the wall and kissed him; he'd just wanted him to see, to understand. It wasn't a joke, he wasn't being a bastard. This was real shit. The kiss... had been amazing, slow and ever-lasting, like a dream. Warm. It was sweeter than anything simply because he'd waited so long, restrained himself so long.. It was perfect even with Bob pushing him away and ripping back like Jay was a disease. The kiss could never be ruined, it was the only memory he had now that made him happy.

"I'd always thought youse was in love with me... shit, the way you acted..." The sound of his voice was quiet and raspy, each word pulled from his throat painful."... tryin to protect me, lookin at me.. I thought youse wanted my ass.. you shoulda, I.. fuck you were supposed too.." Jay's face was frozen in a sad expression, half opened eyes and blue lips. He knew if he cried, it would seal his eyes shut forever.

"Bob, man... why'd you have to say it.. Lunchbox.. I'm sorry.." He remembered the last moments, Bob's shocked expression and his words 'After all you've said to me.. you're the faggot?' Then he left. Like that just gone. He came by a few days later saying nothing and packed his stuff and left again. That was it.

Jay lost the apartment that month, shit.. he didn't have any money. He didn't have money to get a new one, neither... He walked the streets and might as well have fallen on his face; it was over. He sold his shit for dope and wandered until the need to live dried away. Life was so fucked. Life was where your best bud could flat leave you forever just because of a kiss, just because you loved them. Bob hated him now. Shit. Life wasn't worth it he was so tired anymore...

Everything was cold.

------

Silent Bob stepped off the bus, hands deep in his pockets and paused at the curve, glancing around. It was nice to be back in Jersey, back home. Out of the blue he'd decided to take a road trip, to get out of here and back somewhere else. He'd had to run away; stirring clear of Hollywood and memories of Jay, deciding to take the bus to different small towns, taking tours... It was stupid when he thought about it, but relaxing. Worth it. Gave him time to think on the long rides, time to live memories over, time to decide...

Jay.

He still couldn't believe everything his friend had said that night, his panicked words echoed in Bob's ears, so much so that he couldn't forget them no matter how hard he'd tried. Sure, he'd been angry. Upset. After all the time and all the shit Jay had said to him about being gay, suddenly he was telling him that'd he'd loved him all along and wanted them to be together, to have something. It'd been shocking, something he couldn't deal with at the time. He liked to think about stuff as it happened to him, decisions and situations, but he had to get out of the house to do it. How could he decide what to do with Jay there around him everywhere he went? Everywhere he looked?

Though after that night he'd been unsure if it was some sort of joke, with Jay's words condemning him every time he saw him, anyway. He knew that had to be a cover because he'd never seen Jay speak from the heart like he had that day. It had to have been the look in his eyes.. nervousness and fear.

Either way Bob had come back prepared for all of it, rejection or love or whatever.. He'd decided to take it as it came, if Jay wanted to pretend it never happened then fine, if Jay wanted to try something out and see out it worked, then fine. He just didn't want to loose a long friendship over something he thought was ridiculous. It wasn't worth loosing.

He walked the streets, idly making his way. He wasn't in a hurry, even with all the time he'd had to think, he was still nervous,
possibilities whispered through his mind. He tried to think up reasons to linger, to make the trip back to Jay's apartment longer,
unsure if the blonde would let him move back in again. There were so many questions he had. He glanced up and raised an eyebrow at the sign, "Brodie's Comic Stash" and shrugged, walking in. The store was nearly empty as it was freezing outside, and Brodie was standing in the corner flipping through a comic slowly, shoulders slouching forward.

Bob taped his arm and nodded when the other man jumped, turning to look at him. In a flash of an instant he noticed Brodie looked tired, with bags under his eyes and a stubble around his jaw. "Fuck Bob... you scared the shit out of me. Where have you been?"

There was more pleading to his word's then Bob would have expected. He shrugged and waved his hand around in front of him, hoping to show everywhere and no where with the motion. He smiled at little at Brodie, and raised an eyebrow as the other man continued to star at him, pale in the face.

"You don't know do you... " He trailed off, setting the comic back on the rack and turning his back to him, walking over to the counter and standing behind it. The expression on his face was all wrong. "I didn't want to be the one to tell you, fuck..."

"Tell me what?" An uneasiness gathered a the pit of Bob's stomach, sinking and getting heavier. He walked over to the counter and stared Brodie in the eyes, "... tell me what?"

"Shit, it's just... everybody tried to look for you. Where the *fuck* were you?" A little bit of frustration, maybe anger, and a slow cynical smile pulled at his sad face. "Jay's funeral was yesterday, man..."

What? Jay's funeral? Bob's eyes went wide and he stepped back, shaking his head. What? "No.."

Brodie laughed, it ending in a choke. It was the more real with Bob standing right in front of him. "Yeah.. man, would I fucking joke about shit like that? Fuck no! He died last week, some fuckin' clerk found him out in front of some store... hypothermia or something... he was out there all night. His heart stopped."

Oh God. Bob took more steps back, disbelieving, he didn't want to be around this bastard... this bastard who told him something like that and laughed! He ran into a comic rack and knocked it over. He stopped and stared at it, body taunt. It was like an epiphany. Everything was falling apart. He would never see Jay again. He was dead. Dead. Fucking gone.... God, what the hell happened? Why?

"Bob..." Brodie's voice welled up behind him, too close!

The dark haired man tore out of the store, just wanting to get away. Get away. Fuck getting away for a week and Jay is dead. He was an idiot. Everything was fucked up. Why? Why the fuck, why? He stopped at the corner and gasped air into his lungs, his eyes catching on the smog of his breath as it drifted into the midday sky. He was cold. Jay hated being cold...

Why the fuck would he do that? Die like that? Did he do it on purpose? ...

It was all his fault. It was his fault he was a fat fucking piece of shit... and all he could think was...

"I never told you I loved you."

~~End~~